Infidelity: How can I learn from Tiger Woods?
Recovering from an Affair
Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. I decided to learn as much as I could about it so I could help my clients prevent it, or recover from it when it has already happened.
Forms of Infidelity
Affairs can be sexually based, emotionally based, or a combination of the two. The combination of emotional and sexual relationships are the most difficult to disengage because there is also an excitement reward to continuing the affair as well as the fantasy of potential true love. Besides seeking sexual relations, unfaithful partners are reacting to other pressures as well. It has been found that there are 5 types of affairs which include the following:
- Conflict avoidance affair, in which the couple has difficulty dealing with conflict within their relationship.
- Empty nest affair, in which the couple has difficulty finding a fulfilling relationship once their children have left the home.
- Forcing the marriage to end affairs, in which one person who is unfaithful does not want to take responsibility for the termination of the marriage and will have an affair to induce a divorce or separation.
- Intimacy avoiding affair, in which during the marriage the level or amount of intimacy between partners becomes uncomfortable and the affair allows intimacy distance.
- Sexual affairs, in which a partner wants sexual relations to become conquests that are exciting and daring.
Common Reactions to Infidelity
People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:
- A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.
- Denying that anything is wrong.
- Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).
- Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says)
- Blaming the relationship (We were too young; We were wrong for each other; We had different values, etc.).
- Blaming the lover (It’s all his fault; If it weren’t for him); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.
If You Were Unfaithful
If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:
- Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.
- Make the choice to practice fidelity.
- Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
- Spend plenty of time with your family.
- Find a therapist and explore what has transpired in your marriage.
- Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.
- Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
- Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to deserve forgiveness. Then, do it.
If Your Partner Was Unfaithful
If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:
- Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
- Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
- Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
- Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
- Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.
Prevention Steps
Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?
- Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
- Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
- Make sex fun.
- Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
- Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.
- Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
- Spend regular private time together.
- Greet your partner when he or she comes home.
- Show that you are glad to see your partner.
- Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
