Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. I decided to learn as much as I could about it so I could help my clients prevent it, or recover from it when it has already happened.

Forms of Infidelity

Affairs can be sexually based, emotionally based, or a combination of the two.  The combination of emotional and sexual relationships are the most difficult to disengage because there is also an excitement reward to continuing the affair as well as the fantasy of potential true love.  Besides seeking sexual relations, unfaithful partners are reacting to other pressures as well.  It has been found that there are 5 types of affairs which include the following:

1. Conflict avoidance affair, in which the couple has difficulty dealing with conflict within their relationship.
2. Empty nest affair, in which the couple has difficulty finding a fulfilling relationship once their children have left the home.
3. Forcing the marriage to end affairs, in which one person who is unfaithful does not want to take responsibility for the termination of the marriage and will have an affair to induce a divorce or separation.
4. Intimacy avoiding affair, in which during the marriage the level or amount of intimacy between partners becomes uncomfortable and the affair allows intimacy distance.
5. Sexual affairs, in which a partner wants sexual relations to become conquests that are exciting and daring.

Common Reactions to Infidelity

People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:

1. A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.
2. Denying that anything is wrong.
3. Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).
4. Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says)
5. Blaming the relationship (We were too young; We were wrong for each other; We had different values, etc.).
6. Blaming the lover (It’s all his fault; If it weren’t for him); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

1. Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.
2. Make the choice to practice fidelity.
3. Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
4. Spend plenty of time with your family.
5. Find a therapist and explore what has transpired in your marriage.
6. Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.
7. Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
8. Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to deserve forgiveness. Then, do it.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

1. Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
2. Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
3. Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
4. Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
5. Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.

Prevention Steps

Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?

1. Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
2. Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
3. Make sex fun.
4. Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
5. Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.
6. Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
7. Spend regular private time together.
8. Greet your partner when he or she comes home.
9. Show that you are glad to see your partner.
10. Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.

One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that seeing a therapist is a sign of weakness. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Recognizing the need for help and seeking professional therapy is a sign of both strength and your determination to live a productive and meaningful life! Working together, you and your therapist will identify your goals (what you want to have happen) and agree on how you’ll know when you are making progress. Therapy has one clear and definite purpose: that something of positive value and constructive usefulness will come out of it for you.

Therapy has often been called the “talking cure,” since the exchange of words between the client and therapist can appear to be the most obvious form of communication that is going on. In reality, therapy can offer a much richer experience than the simple exchange of words and advice. The thoughts and feelings you share and the professional techniques the therapist uses are not nearly as important as the relationship you build together. Because the relationship with the therapist is so essential to the effectiveness of the process, it is very important that you find someone with whom you feel a comfortable connection, a therapist who makes you feel understood.

As therapy progresses and your trust in the therapist’s nonjudgmental acceptance of your thoughts and feelings is established, you will actually use the relationship as an opportunity to reshape significant emotional experiences and work through problems in your life. In therapy, you intentionally make yourself vulnerable to another human being and you may talk about some things that are very painful for you. However, it is the very process of trusting that it’s safe to release your feelings–the good and the bad–and knowing that the therapeutic relationship permits you to safely explore deeply felt sources of conflict and dissatisfaction that will finally allow you to make lasting, positive changes in your life.

I have been asked to be a part of amazing organization called Athlete Connections.  I have also had the opportunity to be a co-author in creating a workbook in helping student-athletes prepare for when the final buzzer sounds and the lights dim to then enter the workforce.  Many student-athletes are faced with the ultimate question of, “what’s next?”.  this is where Athlete Connections steps in.  They are a non profit 501(c)3 organization that is designed to universities and student-athletes, former and current, in their transition from athletics to the workforce. Their mission is to help prepare, educate and employ student-athletes once their athletic careers are over.

Athlete Connections recognizes the investment and dedication both from the university and student-athlete. We also relate to the different emotions a student-athlete might go through once his/her athletic career is over. A “what now?”feeling is natural for athletes who have been playing sports the majority of their lives, and must now try to transition and enter the workforce. At the end of their college career the transition into the business world for most athletes will be the biggest adjustment he/she will make; bigger than any shot made, any ball caught or thrown.

The NCAA reports that, in the 2004-05 academic year there were nearly 385,000 student-athletes participating in collegiate sports in the United States – an average of 373 athletes per NCAA member institution. Data from the 2004-05 Academic Progress Rate shows that 839 student-athletes in 2004-05 left for the professional ranks. This translates to nearly 62,000 student-athletes entering the workforce every year who will not play at the professional level.

Student-athletes posses all the necessary qualities to make them very valuable employees/employers in the workforce. They have already acquired attractive skills through involvement in their sport that would be a great asset to any employer.Qualities like time management, teamwork, competitiveness, loyalty, discipline,leadership skills are needed in any business.

Athlete Connections is dedicated to helping current and former student-athletes make a successful transition from sports to the workforce. We will bring athletes together with the public/private sectors and potential employers for the purpose of mentoring,networking, financial advising, internships and employment opportunities. This is a designed system that can benefit the student-athlete, the coach, the university and affiliates for years to come.

Athleteconnections.org provides the online tool to compliment its services. This site is designed for the student-athletes to search job listings, create resumes, and get interviewing tips. Employers use the website to post jobs and internships.Sponsors use the website to advertise their services. Other functions of the website include an electronic portfolio, social forums and entire host of necessary applications to help the student-athlete prepare and transition into the workforce.

The goal of Athlete Connections is to address the future of the 99% of student-athletes who do not go on to play professional sports and ensure that they receive all the assistance they need to obtain meaningful employment after their athletic career is over.

“To complete the athlete’s career he or she has to have something greater than the sport itself.  A championship is great but the life of a champion is greater! Winning is great but the life of a winner is greater.”

Follow the link below to see a video quick video of Jacqui Williams, LMFT presenting at the University of Central Florida.

http://youtu.be/m2hx93PogYo

To answer some of these questions, here is an example.  When you apply for a Life Insurance Policy, there is a place for you to sign allowing the Insurance Company to check your Medical and mental Information from various sources.   Medical and mental conditions are reported to the Medical Information Bureau, Inc. (MIB) using one or more of about 210 codes. Conditions, and other non-medical information, including psychiatric conditions might affect your insurability, admission to the military, and can be as adverse as your driving records and participation in hazardous sports.  A code must be utilized and given to a client in order to bill through an insurance company.  Therefore, this code will remain on your permanent record if your choose to bill through your health insurance.  MIB is a membership organization of life insurance companies. When you apply for life, health, or disability insurance, the company makes a report to MIB, and it receives any information that MIB may have on you.

You may use your health insurance for mental health services with Jacqui Williams, but this remains your choice.  Upon request, Jacqui Williams will file through the client’s insurance companies for her clients who wish to use their health insurance.  These insurance companies include Aetna, Aetna EAP, Cigna, Cigna EAP, Compsych, Humana, Tricare. If you have any further questions, please contact Jacqui Williams at 407-956-5773 or at jwilliams@heathrowcounselingcenter.org

You may contact the MIB to obtain your information:

Medical Information Bureau, Inc.
P.O. Box 105
Boston, MA 02112
(617) 426-3660

As an example, a heart attack is a life altering event and much like the grief felt after a loss, an individual may be grieving the loss of their previous good health. I believe a frank discussion with my clients and their cardiologist may be able to identify any specific limitations he may have with his physical health and evaluate if there is a medical reason for his depression. This can help to clarify any abnormalities the family may be experiencing such as medication side effects or grieving. Seeking professional help, such as a therapist, can also aid in the discovery of normal or abnormal behaviors and reactions. Studies have found that 15% of patients developed post-traumatic stress disorder after a heart attack, sudden cardiac arrest, or cardiac surgery. I believe awareness is key to understanding each person as an individual and their responses to their lives.

For more information please visit www.health.harvard.edu/mentalextra/ or www.nimh.nih.gov.

Please feel free to contact me at Heathrow Counseling Center at 407-956-5773 or by visiting our website at www.heathrowcounselingcenter.org

Jacqui Williams M.S.

Interestingly, this is not as uncommon as one might think. Many of my clients in Central Flordia struggle with this transition and wonder why. I believe using the old adage of “you are what you eat” can conversely be restated to say “you live what you know”. As much as we may desire to be different from our parental units, it is not uncommon to adopt the same belief systems and behavior patterns at the same time our parents were modeling them. As an example you may have bristled at your mother’s attempts to control you as a youngster through guilt, and now you’re getting feedback via your children that ”you are just like grandma!” This can be a difficult thing to hear. Sometimes just a few meetings with a professional can help you identify unwanted mom-like-behaviors that need minor tweaking, and hopefully not major surgery. The fact that some of my clients even took the time to address this with me speaks volumes about their determination to break the cycle of just-like-mom.

If you have any questios regarding this topic or any subject, please feel free to contact me at Heathrow Counseling Center at 407-956-5773. We are located in Lake Mary Florida, just north of Orlando.

Please visit our website at www.heathrowcounselingcenter.org

Jacqui Williams, M. S.

My name is Jonathan and I have two kids, ages 11 and 14. I am currently living in Orlando, but will be moving to Sanford in a few months. My wife and I have decided to get divorced after a year of being separated. We are both scared to tell our kids but know that we have to tell the soon. Are they going to hate us forever? I don’t know how to do this, HELP!

Needing help,

Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

Firstly, this is going to be hard on both you and your wife to have this discussion with you children. However, you can take a positive approach to help them through this process. I would sit down with your wife first and discuss how and what you are going to tell your children. This gives both of you the opportunity to have a plan as well as to practice exactly what you want to say. Begin by telling them in a safe environment, such as your children’s home. You also want to speak honestly without too many marital details and assure them of your continued love and commitment to care for them. Explain any changes that will be taking place and what they can expect from each parent. The impact of the divorce on children is inevitable, but taking a positive and open approach will help both your children and yourself through this. Your children’s reactions may vary, so allow them to ask questions and express their fears or concerns. If you would like any more suggestions or phrases to avoid, please feel free to contact me at jwilliams@heathrowcounselingcenter.org or by calling me at 407-956-5773.

Good Luck Jonathan!

Jacqui Williams

My name is Tina from Lake Mary, Florida. I have a 15 year old daughter who is very active and extremely body conscious. I think she could benefit from therapy, but I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to push her away. Can she have an eating disorder and I not notice? If that is possible, what are some signs that I can be looking for?

Sincerely,

Tina

Dear Tina,

Thank you for writing Tina, the questions you posed are excellent questions to ask. Often times an eating disorder can develop slowly, gradually, and in secret so it can be very difficult to notice even for a parent. It can also be difficult for parents to distinguish between normal adolescent development or picky eating behaviors and an eating disorder. Most adolescents go through a period in which they eat more or less than usual. Signs that you can look for include extreme dieting, restriction in all types of foods (not just sweets or desserts), extreme exercising, preoccupation with food, eating in private, using the restroom immediately after eating, or unusual eating rituals such as measuring foods or only using certain bowls or plates. Having your daughter come in to therapy is a great idea even if you are still unsure if she has some kind of disordered eating, not necessarily a full blown eating disorder. Please feel free to visit www.heathrowcounselingcenter.org or www.edap.org for more information or call 407-956-5773.

Jacqui Williams